Girl Pants
by AngryReindeer
Summary: Harry Potter has girl pants
1. CHAPTER 1 The Mysterious Night Wanderer

HARRY POTTER FANFICTION

It was a dark and stormy night. Harry Potter, who had recently been visited by QEFTSW (Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard), was stalking around the Gryffindor common room at 2:34 in the morning. He was so full of angst he was about to burst! It hurt! He had to let it out! His angst was so overwhelming that he could barely make it out the common room door. He flung himself at the fat lady, screaming "Open your portrait immediately or my emerald eyes will cloud over with angst and flash so brilliantly green that it could have been the one - dramatic pause - that _killed my parents." _The Fat Lady burst into tears and opened her portrait door. Harry stalked down the hallway to North Tower, where he could contemplate his jumping. He broke into a run, but had to fling himself against a wall again to stop the stabs of pain coming from his incredibly tight girl pants around his man package. As he limped towards the misty plateau, which reflected his misty mood, he saw a figure. A figure who was moping. _ In girl pants_. He walked closer, not daring to believe his eyes. Could another soul truly be feeling this pain? As he approached, the person turned. Smouldering grey met electrifying green, like a pile of lint in a violent tango with mouldy bell peppers. Together, they shone like _the spell that killed Harry's parents. "Draco..."_

Harry jolted awake, looking around for his knight in sparkly girl pants. All he saw was Ronald, or as he had taken to being called lately, _Ronaldo,_ snuggled into his side. This was the fourth time he had awoken from a dream about Draco and the third that he had awoken with the fiery redhead in his bed.

"Morning, love," Ron mumbled as he woke up. As Ron moved up for another kiss, Harry blurted out, "Ron,"

"_Ronaldo",_

"we were not meant to be. _Just like my parents' lives." _

_"_But..." Ron began.

"No, _Ronaldo._ No. It's just too much. _I can't handle your love. Just like I can't handle that my parents weren't in a car wreck. It was VOLDEMORT, Ron. _Did you know that? _Did you??" _Ron turned his face away in shame.

"I - I didn't know._" _At that point, Hermione walked into the boy's room. "Hermione, what are you doing in the boy's rooms?" Ron asked.

"I have a penis."

Ron turned his face away in shame.

"I - I didn't know." He said. Inside, however, he was aflame with ecstasy. Finally, his prayers had been answered! The Devil truly did pay those who worshipped Him! Ron kissed Hermione full on the lips, then presently burst into flames. Hermione looked over at Harry expectantly. "Hermione, my parents have been _killed. _By _HIM. WERE YOU NOT AWARE????"_ Hermione turned her head away in shame. "I - I didn't know."


	2. CHAPTER 2 Ronaldo The Unloved

It was a dark and stormy day in the dark and stormy life of the dark and stormy Harry Potter, whose parents were most definitely killed by Lord Voldemort and not a car crash. People seemed ill-informed about this subject! Harry was in his dormitory, mourning the loss of his dearly beloved man-friend Ronaldo Weasley (who he had engaged in sexual intercourse with multiple times, but was physically repulsed by). He wept. His sidebangs fluttered in the breeze of his agony, his tears glisten lost in the sparkling field of his girl pants.

Then, suddenly, from the ashes arose Ron in a firey ball of man-flame! "Gasp!" gasped Harry, his breath intaking with a sudden convulsion of consternation, his arms waving wildly above his torso. From this blazing comet of beefcake-pyre emerged Ron, apparently a phoenix. "Hello Harry."

"Great bollocks of moudly bell peppers!" barked Harry, "Ron?" "Ronaldooooooo," " Whateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevssssssss. Is that you?"

"Indeed, for I could not leave you my Harry. When I killed myself last night over the loss of my most beloved man-toy, you, I realised, NO! I cannot leave his side! Though he may be physically replused by me, though he may never take me back again, I love you Harry! I-"

"Ron! My parents... They're dead, did you know?"

"I - I did know that actually..." Ron the pheonix looked sheepish.

"And Ron, Ron I have to live with Muggles. And they are FAT and they ABUSE ME, RON. They smell bad, RON. Sometimes they make me lick their armpits for fun, RONNN! Were you AWARE of this FACT?!"

"Harry..."

Harry whipped around to meet Ron's eyes and they shared a moment so powerful it could have been the blast that killed Harry's parents.

"No-nobody had informed me of this fact", Ron's face looked like a speckly tomato with shreds of carrots on top, and a couple of ears.

"I'm sorry Ron, but..."

SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE NEXT INSTALLMENT

Ron pees.


	3. Green Really is a Becoming Colour

"Oh Harry you are the hottest, most-not-gossiped-about-because-his-parents-were-killed-by-you-know-who-guy in the whole school." Harry stared stoically into the distance as Cho praised him for his looks, his brains, and his beauty.

"Thank you Cho, these things you say to me. They make me feel knew feelings, feelings I've never felt before. I've been so angry lately, I don't know why... I just. I just get so mad!" He punched the ground in slow motion, so slow it could have been the memory of the blast that killed his parents.

"Harry, it's alright now." Cho pulled Harry up. "Hold me Harry..."

"Harry please hold me!"

Harry awoke to find his sheets wet and Ronaldo the pheonix staring into his eyes.

"God, Ron you-"

"RONALDO"

"Ronaldo! You didn't... you did not just pee in my bed again!"

"I'm sorry Harry I just get so worked up when I see you..."

"It's so wet... so wet it could have been the blast that killed my parents... "

"Harry I'm- wait, spells aren't wet."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW RON! WHERE YOU THERE RON? NO OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T THERE, RON! NO ONE WAS THERE, RON! ONLY I WAS THERE, A BABY, RON! LEFT TO FACE VOLDEMORT ALL ON MY OWN, RON!"

"Harry-"

"How did you even pee in my bed this time Ron? You're a bird, birds can't pee!"

"False, I'm a pheonix, besides appearing in blocked off chambers with magical hats containing swords and blowing up every so often, there are many things we can do that you will never understand..."

At this time Hermione came in to unpack her things, now that she'd been moved to the boys dorms since her secret was found out.

"Harry, your hair is green!" gasped Hermione.

"What?! Are you speaking bullocks again Hermione!? Just because you have a penis does not mean you get to speak bullocks!!" Harry yelled with an extremely offended tone. He stomped over to the mirror and his eyes went as wide as Hagrid's rock cakes.

"I'd even go as far to say that your hair is as green as..." Ron started...

"THE BLAST THAT KILLED MY PARENTS!" Harry's voice was like the shrill cry of a thousand dying seagulls.

Ron presently burst into flame.

"Well, I guess I should be going then..." Hermione backed away slowly towards the door. She feared that if her movements were too sudden she would get a hard on from all of the crazy tension in the room.

Harry proceeded to glare at his ghastly grotesque verdurous shimmering locks.

Once again Harry found himself running down the hallway of his uncertain future. He could almost make out the gleaming head of his forbidden lover... he was closer now and suddenly it felt as if the rain was breaking through the ceiling of the old castle and cascading down his face...

"Aaaaahhh..."

Harry awoke again, he seemed to be sleeping a lot lately. He then noticed that his face was wet, very wet, still becoming increasingly more wet. He thought it would be a good plan to open his eyes.

This was actually a very bad plan.

What awaited his emerald eyes was none other than Ron's rather small and insufficient penis peeing all over his face.

"WHAT THE SHIT MAN?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT RON!?"

Harry sprung from the bed like a well-oiled panther, loping away from the spurts of pee spluttering their way out of Ron's unpleasing male appendage.

"RON, WHY DID YOU JUST PEE ON ME?!" Harry wailed with the strength of a thousand abandoned wizard orphans chosen to fight all known evils in the world.

"You know that pee makes my luxurious man-locks go frizzy!!"

"Urinal? Are you talking?" Ronaldo looked over at Harry with concern.

"And if you are talking to me, why do you sound like my one true love? And WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME RON INSTEAD OF RONALDO?? These Urine-O-Vision glasses suck with the power of a million Malfoys!!" Ron bellowed, throwing aside the glasses, which shattered. They lay there, glistening in the sunlight streaming in through the clouds and into the common room, a poignant metaphor for Ron's goal to see the world as only urinals, and how it was broken forever.

"Ah, Harry, are you alright? I really like your new cologne, you smell really sexy. It reminds me of the time..."

But Harry was not listening. At the mention of the word 'Malfoy' up in that last paragraph there, he had been struck with a vision of Malfoy in the skinniest of pants, a wetsuit made of ladies pants, swimming through an ocean of the most narrow and slender pants you have ever seen, with little pants-fish and little pants seaweed. He was wearing pants-glasses, and his hair glistened as the sweat glistened upon Harry's armpits and forehead whenever he tried to remove his skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny, girl pants.

"Harry," breathed Draco lustily, "come swim with me."

Harry was about to faint with ecstasy. Could this be his sexual man-love? Could it be -?! Draco threw hishead out of the water and winked saucily.

It seemed that it very well could be.

Harry awoke with a start to see Ron all dressed up in a wedding dress, obviously very excited because their was a little yellow stain forming at the front. He looked around and realized all his friends were there in formal attire, and he himself was waiting for Ron at the alter.

"Oh bugger."

NEXT INSPIRATIONAL SOMBRERO:

hextasy


	4. The Nuptial or Hexfest, Take Your Pick!

Harry's mind raced as he saw Ron steadily approaching him down the wedding aile of his impending doom. He tried to remember a spell from his research that would protect him from this torture. Suddenly, scripture from one of the many tomes he had read flashed in front of his green eyes.

(ITALICS!!) _hextasy: the strong rush of emotions one feels as they hex a large group of people. If the witch or wizard is powerful enough, this feeling will be strong enough to ward off all other spells that may be cast in order to control said witch or wizard...(END ITALICS!!)_

"Perfect" Harry whispered. He then proceeded to, stealthily as a gazelle on stealth meds, pull his wand out from his jacket pocket. As soon as Ron was standing next to Harry, he bound Ron, the priest, and the rest of the wedding party. He grinned as he felt the hextasy level of his emotions increasing. Harry then used every hex in the book (excluding the unforgivables of course) and even a few hexes that he had made up.

"MUSHROOM FUNGI SPROUTIOUS!!" Harry shouted towards one of the many redheaded relatives. But there were too many. Like an ocean of brown flecks and red hair that burned like the blast that had killed his parents, the Wesley family advanced on him. He was drowning, and not in a sea of girly-pantedness as he had hoped.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed as he did when the memory of Voldemort killing his parents surfaced in his mind at unexpected and inconvenient times. Hexes flew from his wand at alarming speeds as he did backflips and cha cha-ed with a spotted Chizpurfle. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw... Voldemort?!

No, alas it was only Ron's very ugly Uncle.

As Harry stared at the sheer ugliness of the red headed man he noticed something out of place. Like a pear amongst sea-gulls, a paper back amongst multiple venti ice-brewed-triple-shot-caramel-macchiato-extra-whip-half-skim-half-whole-milk-minus-the-caramel-drizzle-with-little-can-can-dancing-house-elves-wearing-girl-pants-on-top, Harry spotted a shining head of blonde amongst the sea of red. He ran towards the figure with as much passion as a herd of buffalo! The skinny girl pants of his tuxedo were extremely confining.

He reached the man with gleaming hair and turned him around. Their eyes met in a fiery passion man love filled second.

"Is it really you Draco?" Harry questioned, his eyes full of disbelief.

"Naturalmente é, você calça de menina usa besta de homem! "

"What?!"

"Sorry that was my portuguese voice..."

NEXT PUZZLING SEA-MONKEY

red herring


	5. Finally

"You speak portuguese?"

"No."

Harry looked at Draco with inquisitive eyes. He knew more than he was willing to let on.

"SHUUUUT UP HARRY! My parents are rich and yours are dead!" Harry stepped out into the mist that surrounded the venue of his terminated nuptial. He sank to his knees, and all was still. Slowly he raised two clenched fists into the air,

"CURSE YOU HILARY BAILEY" his lungs threatened to burst as they pushed the air through his vocal chords to form the words that stung like the blast that killed his parents... and the razor blade Draco was preparing to use on his arm. Draco looked up from what he was about to do,

"Wasn't it Voldemort who killed your parents?"

"Yes."

"Then who is Hilary Bailey?"

"She broke my mouse pad." his voice seethed, and his nostrils flared.

"I-I... I didn't know" He turned his head in shame, the only thing that could give him comfort now was knowing that he was in the presence of his raven haired love.

A red herring flew down and plucked the blade from Draco's hand, preventing him from continuing his act.

Ron presently burst into flames.

"Shit, my wedding." Harry mumbled as Ron proceeded to beat his feather head on a garden gnome. Draco heard his love's voiced thoughts and turned to stare him in the eye,

"Don't worry love, you have me now."

Harry's heart felt as if it was about to burst into a quatrillion different particles that were each as strong as the blast that killed his parents. He leaned in for a kiss and felt the soft lips of his soul mate caressing his.

Harry could feel something pecking at his arm, he tried to shake it off and continue on his love making. The pecking was becoming more and more insistent, and he could feel his love drifting away.

"Haaarrryyy..." Draco seemed to call.

All at once the pecking became unbearable. He opened his eyes to find a red herring attacking his arm. Harry bolted upright and vanished the bird away.

Wait a second, he opened his eyes!?

"Hey Harry, sleep alright?" Hermione and Ron appeared to be playing chess at his bedside.

Harry blinked his emerald eyes at them once.

NEXT OVERWHELMING ADDITION

profanity, and you may want this:

freetranslation, or babel fish you pick:)

(take a guess at what language it's going to be in)


	6. Harry's Temper

O Fuck este shit de fucking você mãe fucktards de fucking. O Fuck minha vida. O fuckers de doce de malvavisco você fuck de fucking. Shit Ronaldo é um shit que urina óculos com mictórios esse shit. O Hermione tem um dick de fucking que eu sou um feijão verde. Natureza morta clássica de arte está no meu cérebro em todas vezes. O Fuck este shit que eu recebi Quem Solta Os Cãos colou na minha cabeça, OUTRA VEZ!! FUCK! !! que eu sou tão fucking louco no céu por que é ele azul! ?! O que o fuck? Que o fucking decidiu isso? !? Por que fucking azul, por que não fucking magenta! ?! QUERO ALGUM FUCKING GUACAMOLE!! VETOR! !! Por que o fucking de distracções de fucking existe de qualquer jeito?! As garças são os uns que trazem bebês. Então por que nós fucking necessita arenques? O que o shit de fuck de damn? SHIT! O Damn ele! O Damn ele Damn ele Damn ele! !! #(((&(&#&(#)&)&(#!&#!!#!#!#!&( ))&()(()(#!#!#&#)&)†ƒ¥†ƒ˙©˚∆˙©ˆ¨¥¥ ´ ®´†®´∑¥†®¥øø¨¥®¥∑¥&(()7§®§∞¢´¥ƒ¬¥ø¶†ˆ§§¢£∞¢§¢£™§ª•–ºªøˆ¥ˆ®¨¥´¥∞¢†ˆ¨§†ˆ¶§•7&

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NEXT SOMEWHAT HAPPIER UPDATE:

less profanity


	7. The Beefy Return of Angry Reindeer

Harry was lavishly furious as he stormed down the hallways lustily thrusting into random passers-by. "My love has eluded me once more!" he proclaimed, gazing around furiously. "My whole life has been a char-ahhhde of reveries dangling in front of my imaginatory vision-senses, only fleeting dream-moments par-ahhhhding past said visionary senses like so many majestic magenta elephants... jiminy jeepers!! How I long for my amourous lover!!!" As these words escaped his lips, he spied his silver-locked love-muffin-drug, so many drugs.... or none at all???? Was this magnificent majestic magnesium -filled ragamuffin truly his? Is that what he wanted, a boy who constantly deserted him night after night? No!!!!

Harry was mad. He was wrathful with anger. He stalked towards his prey like a cheetah on HGH and Wheaties. He crouched into leaping position, and sprung skillfully in the direction of his anger's subject. "NIPPLES -- I MEAN DRACO!!!!" He verbally excreted. "I AM ANGRY AND WRATHFUL AND SOOOOOO ROYALLY PEEEEEEEEEE'D OFF!!" Draco whipped his graceful head (not penis head, SICKOOOO) around in shock and also confusion, questioning Harry's sanity once more. "I am questioning your sanity once more, _Potter_" He sneeringly spat with with so much venom and velocity it could have been the venemous velocitous blast that KIIILLLLEDD HARRRY'SSS PAREENTSSSSSSSSS DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!

Harry thrust Draco lustily up against the wall. In one swift motion, he ripped the plunging v of Draco's v neck even lower. It suddenly plummeted downwards into the abyss of nipple exposure. "Hey nipples, I like your v neck. It's so deep I can almost see your penis from here." Harry spake unto Draco and Draco bequeathed unto Harry the words which he had to utter and they were such as this "umm my mom got them at Speller's (ZELLER'S REFERENCE!!!!!!!), ummmm I guess she ummmm got the wrong one I asked for regular v neck and she got extra deep!!!! What're you doing? Why are you thrusting ever so lustily at me and exposing my nipples for the world to see? We are sworn enemies, not sworn thruster-nipple friends!" Draco dispelled, as the remnants of his tattered v neck wafted in the gentle breeze of Harry's heavy panting. "NO" Harry panted heavily. "THIS IS ANOTHER SEXY DREAM! You aren't real! Soon I'll wake up sexually unsatisfied, without any loving at all except the unwanted kind from my creepy fiery bird-friend! You are not going to get away from me this time, you fiddly-bumsucker!" He slammed Draco against the wall one last time to emphasize his point. "You sissy fish-slapper!" He removed Draco's torso garment hastily. "You nasty jogging son of a jogger! " Harry unbuttoned Draco's tight, tight pants. "I hate joggers," He (Harry Potter) added (OR MINUSED?!?!?!?!?!) under his breath as he solicitously and ever so saucily snapped the waistband of Draco's tighty whiteys. He salivaciously and savagely attacked Draco's mouth region with his own.

Draco was worried and also confused. What was this thing that was happening? Why was his enemy playing with his waistBAND and his heartSTRING and his mindSTRINGBAND and soulDRAWSTRING? Did Draco enjoy the caressing of his spirit by this no good angered teenybopper? Before Draco knew it he was leaning towards his ravenous raven-haired BF-to-be for more lovin'. But before he could accomplish his goal, Crabbe had finally recovered from the shock and little bit of throwing up in his mouth (and a little bit MORE of JIZZING in his PANTS) he had experienced to save Draco from the perceived dangers he saw by knocking Harry out. Harry collapsed daintily to the ground in a shroud of milky unconsciousness. He slipped into DREAM SEQUENCE MODE BEGINS NOW

Harry was floating through space and time, with so many coloured lights all around him. "Where am I?" He inquired. A bird-like apparition floated past him, singing, "Hatchachachachachachachacha!" and flailing spastically. Then he heard a faint latino hissing noise from behind him "Hello, amigo. It'sssssss me, your old pal David Bowie the Brazssssilian Python. Remember when you freed me in the first book of your adventures? I have returned to pay you back for the favour in the form of a freaky apparition. Am I scaring you, Harry? am I freasssssking you out? Do you know where sssssssssssyou are, Harry? Outer space. You're in space, man.

Lissssssssssssssssssten, I have some advissssssssce for you. Number one: Get an eyepatch, maybe even two. Wear 'em criss-crossed, you'll knock Draco dead. Two: That wasn't a dream, Harry. You were awake the whole time, and damn near gave Draco an H.J. in the G.H. Lastly, don't be afraid to do something absolutely wild." "You- you mean that was real? Everything I did in the Great Hall wasn't a dream? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "It's alright, Harry. Draco loved it. This is the freaky dream. If you follow my advice you'll be on the town like a red velvet cadillac." "What?" Harry reacted vivaciously. "Draco loves me back?? But, David Bowie, isn't that a little bit -- G-A-Y?" "Gay, for a boy to want to have it in the butt with you? No, I don't think so. Were his nipples showing, Harry?" "Well, yeah." "Just as I thought. No, that's not gay. It's absolutely fine." "Phew! Thanks for the help, David Bowie the Brazilian Python!" "You're welcome, Harry. I'll be on my way now. I just want you to remember when you wake up all my advice." "Bye bye David Bowie the Brazilian Python!!!" "Bye, Harry!" Harry grinned profusely as Nipples the Clown floated past his Field of View.

CHAPTER SUMMARY:

hey nipples

drug party!!

end up doing sexy things

up against wall

mad at draco

hatchachachachahatcacacachaa birdfriend!!!

rips v neckk

draco is embarassed by v neck

i can almost see your peeeeeniiiiiisssss!! Is there a vol

Hey nipples -- I mean Spensurr, Is that a voldemort on your penis? 'Cause I can almost see it through your v-neck!!

david bowie brazilian snake in his dreams and nipples the clown

t shirt for spencer

CHAPTER SNEAK PREVIEW:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS

druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs!!!!!

lightning bolt peeeeniiiiiiiiiisssss

---------------------------

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait for the chapter, but my braille keyboard was broken and my dog can only type 40 wpm, it's really slow going getting these words up here!


	8. Burnin' up 'Cause my Parents are Dead

With Ash and his friends safely having outsmarted team rocket once again we join our heros in a completely different location than we - wait, what?

Did... did they change their outfits? Because, they never. EVER. Change their outfits. Were the new outfits picked out by a team of disney stylists?

They were wearing skinny, skinny slacks for ladies. In the colours dark purple, dark maroon and dark lilac. Their boots were tall and laced up and spiky.

And secretly they were wearing dark purple socks with little pouty-lipped monkeys winking and saying "sassy and classy" in a small off-white speech bubble.

Their ridiculously expensive yet torn and frayed scarfs were a different shade of purple than their pants yet matched just enough to give them that bohemian look. They hung loose around their necks.

Under their pants they wore tight, white underwear. It was whiter and tighter than a freshly cleaned polar bear super-glued to another freshly cleaned polar bear.

And no shirts or chest hair.

They also had a secret love of the story My Immortal, because if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!.

Are.. are those luxuriously condition luscious lochs of loveliness spurting from the scalps of our able bodied heros? Could it possibly be the three most lustily sought after "male" fingers (TEHWHW_) in ameeeerika today?

"Joe! Kevin! Time for another shot of [really funny alcohol]"

It seemed that it very well could be.

"Whaddaya, a gaddamn crazy namby boy? Jim Dale didn't say anything on the list, ya gaddam moron!"

"Yah he diddd Jo! He said "Dumbledore's eyes twinkled over his half-moon spectacles" I heard himm!"

"Shut up ya ding-bong. Lemme see the list a rules."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~EDUCATIONAL BREAK~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So guy(s), this is a Harry Potter drinking game.

We will listen to a Harry Potter audio-book

and drink every time:

call hermione bossy

describe hermione as unattrative

harry feels sorry for self

harry takes out anger on friends

harry gets undue attentino

harry gets ver lucky

a weasley turns bright red

harry thinks/talks about drco unnecessarily

everytime they think snapes bad when hes goood!!!!

everytime the hufflepuffians suck diiiiikcck

neville apologetic for existence

lie

care about school work (WHAT)

unnatural talents

gerbione kusa yj hwvs

hernklbd outa ttb ghabs'

hrtmiobw [piurewqts umop habd'

hermione pyuts ytyup ghanssaad

foreshadowing somethingthat wont happen for 2+ books

say something brirish

diumbledore twinkles

quidditch heroics

mcgonnagal has thin mouth

We can straighten these rules out for you if you have trouble understanding them...

percy pompous

wizard customs

wizards amazed by muggles

scabbers is lazy

intense danger!! noble!!!

are nosy

marauders are frail, dead

assumptions they are wrong!!!

hrmione and ron pee eachother offf

harry is embarassed by wealth

waesley is poor

draco sneers

crazy flashbacks

harry brings up dead parents

voldemort hisses

voldemort is sub human

voldemort is a snake

kids are rebellious

umbridge simpers

dudley is stupid

dudley is likened to a large mammal

ucnle vernon splutters / is purple

snape is greasy

good food on hogwarts tables

harry doesnt feel like eating that food

hermoine goes to library

student mentions teachers on staff table

Hagrid is uncultured (generally)

ron is afraid of spiders

harry's glasses are broken

dudley has friends

harry is skinny

harry has jet black hair

harry looks like his dad

harry does patronus

harry fails patronus

mention of DA curse

harry is whispered about

people break out in whispers

harrrys reputation!!!! slandered

harry nightmares

ron and hermione are exasperated by harry's crazyideas

no one understans harry/harry finds out someone understood him all along

neville is victimized

a creevey is described as small

hair colour is mentioned

draco faintly blushes

draco is pale

draco has double standards

really really gay comebacks and jokes but people act like they're really funny or offensive

a person who is a minority speaks

there si a hilarious accent!!!

hedwig is mad at harry

hedwig nips him

eats his food

peopel have hats

wizards have funny muggle clothes

muggles are scared of wizards being nice

harry is ANGYR

thing are gem coloured

fred and george talk in unidon, are mistaken for eachother, GRIN mischeviously

elves refer o themselves on 3rd person

harry and draco get into a fight but are interrupted!!

harry's hand claps to his forehead

SCAR

harry fumbles with wand

SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN HARRY AND DRACO

utilizes glasses for peering purposes

krum is surly n burly

DUMBLEDORE IS A BIG HOMO e.g. lemon drops!!

voldemort is not quite alive

slytherin girls are bitchy, e.g. ;pansy BITCH

mrs weasley loves harry more than own children

ANGST

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"OK, OK, ya got me this time. Let's all take a shot of that ridiculously funny alcohol."

"I wish we could live like Harry and his freinds.s Tey are so cool. they are so smart. They are so quanit. They are so brave. They are so heroic and they are so witty. They have such good fashion sense. They have the best hair products. They always remember to wax. Their lip are always exfoliated and kissable."

"Are.. Are you talknig about Hermoine?"

"..."

"...Nick?"

"Y- Yes? I AM...!"

JIM DALE 'Arry was angry. 'E looked at 'is fwends an sed, "Ay, blimey, mates! I'm so angry! alla toime! I duno whoy!" "Ermynee put up herand an answered snaypes qweschun. Cor blimey.

"THREE SHOTS. RIGHT NOW. GO GO GO"

_________________________________

Harry, Hermione and Ron were gathered around the bar at the Three Broomsticks. Madame Rosmerta's job had been exported to a Chinese worker, so there was a nice new chinese lady waiting on them.

"Three butterbeers for you, my favourite alcoholics" She said with a warm smile.

"Tank yuuu be-ootifur asi-an wuman!" chirped Ron, very eagerly. Harry and Hermione stared at Ron trying to mentally stupefy him. "Rrrronalodo what the f-" "MAIY NaME EeS NOT Ronaldo ees ruuunadudonarudoo!!!! Why so harud fo yuu to undastand????"

"Ron. That is unacceptable behavior. You need to stop this instant or I am going to turn you into a fart. I mean it this time!"

"But- but- I LOVE her!"

"Well RON. I THINK that if anybody should be in love with ANYTHING. RON. It SHOULD be the JOE-BROS ROOOOON. RON." Harry capitalized.

"Ooooooo! I'm in love with them to! I love their smooth hairless chests. As smoooth as a bald man taking a bath in some butter. At the _disco_.... Excuse me a moment. I have..." Ron scampered in the direction of the castle, remembering to shout "Gung Hay Fat Choi!" at the nice Chinese lady.

Harry sighed. "I wish WE were the Jonas Brothers... Boy wouldn't that be nice."

"But the can't have sex."

"SHUT UP HERMIONE THEY HAVENT FOUND THE RIGHT ONE YET IT WILL HAPPEN AND WHEN IT DOES IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL."

Meanwhile, the chinese lady, having overheard EVERYTHING (EVERYTHING!!!!!!), decided to work a little magic of her own.

"Soooooooooooooo these boys want to switch places do they? They think life is greener on the other side do they?

"Hermione. They are GODS. What don't you understand? Are you straight or something? I'm DISGUSTED."

"Well. HARRY. MAYBE if you could think about them without your PENIS head and with your REAL head for ONE SECOND, you'd understand that are puppets harry! PUPPETS. OF THE MACHINE!!!"

"HERMIONE. YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS."

"NO HARRY. YOU ARE BEING ANGST- I MEAN LUST RIDDEN!"

At the back of the three broomsticks the chinese woman was bent over some fortune cookies and began to sing like a singing thing who was also queen of the clubs...

"A gay boy wished for life full of wizardry. Life of wizardry. Wizardry li-ife. Give it up for Harry. Ooooh Ro-o-on and Her-mi-o-neee! OoOooh! Planet Unicorn Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey."

Satisfied with her work she turned to her slaves.

"Now go my little owl friends!"

Back at Harry and Hermione's table as well as Ron's butterbath (complete with platforms and aves), some fortune cookies dropped from the sky.

At the JB residence, an all kinds of drunk Nick thought he saw some OWLS?!?!\

"brothas, I think I saw some owls!!!"

"Nick SHUT THE FUCK UP there's no such thing as OWLS!! THat's only from harry potter you drunken homeless skunk!! YOU ARE A HOMELESS SKUNK DO YOU HEAR ME? Now eat your fortune cookie I got fro mthese nice Chinese feater midgets with wings."

Then a little Chinese owl cajolingly said, "Go OOOON! EAT IT!"

Then some drum and bass.

They open the cookies and pulled out a fortune...

"Three little gays sit in a room, they drink and wish to have hats and some brooms.

A boy in a butterbath sits and dreams, he wants to be famous and make the girls scream.

A mister and sister are fighting right now, one wishes something the other says POW.

I bring them together I switch them around, I make them go places and turn upside down.

"What the fuck is this."

THEN A TERRIBLE EARTH QUAKE!!!!!

Tune in next time to see if our heros survive.

*HINT* It's a no.


End file.
